Dear Darling World,
A very good friend and I, we have this chronic problem of attracting the wrong kind of guys. Once a month we are munching our way through cake and hot chocolate (honestly why do adults stop drinking cacao and start with coffee?!). Two thirds into the carrot-chocolate cake we always collapse due to fits of laughter caused by our (Tinder) dating stories and the induced sugar rush. E. encouraged me to share the really juicy titbits with you.
Therefore, Ladies and Gentlemen, with a big applause let me introduce:
Chapter 1 Chris the cheese guy.
Setting: Friday lunchtime, organic market, somewhere in Austria.
Scene: Guy (aka Chris) stood next to a girl (that’s me). Girl handing telephone number to cheese vender – aka the only way to pre-order cheese in the 21. century.
Chris was introvert-ish, had light blond hair, cute three-day-stumble and was two heads taller than me. (My brain is easily wired. Every male over 180 and I swoon, no matter what level they are on the actual objective cool or hotness scale.
Chris was a chef. hooooooot – come little siren, come and flirt with him…
I: “from what I see, I take that you are either feeding a whole battalion or you are making preparations for the day that I will come around to dinner.”
Stunned silence, slight confusion, a massive wrinkle on his forehead. – shit, hush little siren; he does not get it….
Chris: “hmmmm” – more confusion, a slight shake with his head – “I thought it would only be the guys and I.”
Ahhhmmmm. Upsi?! Shit did I really just… did he think that… it was a JOKE!
I laugh easily, the way so that my maximum cuteness saves the embarrassing outburst of sassiness: “Oh was just joking, because you ordered so much meat…”
Chris: “I am serious, join us. I can make it work.” He nods vehemently “You can get to know my folks, they are cool.”
I: “Honestly, I was only joking… Anyways I am busy, gotta go. Ciao”
I waved goodbye to my lovely cheese lady, turned on my heels and off I went… When will I ever keep my big mouth shut?!
2 hours later:
I am so honoured that we met today. Never have I ever met such a stunning woman at the market. I am such a lucky guy that you approached me. I knew from the start, that you are a shy person. I love the twist, when you gave the cheese vender your number, so she could hand it to me. You minx! I tell you, it is destiny that we met today. Have a fun Christmas. That offer with the food still stands. X Chris
I looked at the text gobsmacked. What the…?
2 seconds later:
Dear sweetest Sophie,
Don’t forget to put the cheese in wax paper. Oh and I hope it is ok, I will call you spontaneously tomorrow at around 4 pm. X Chris
- Write back? (ähhmmm…)
- Ignore? (I don’t want to be THAT bitch, I mean I started it…)
- Call the flirting police? (he is a little stalker – but he got balls…)
I went for b) because I really had no idea what to write.
One week later:
Chris The Cheese
I hope you are okay. You really should look at your phone more often. I will call you spontaneously in three hours. Xx C.
Three hours later my phone rings. I am in the middle of the hardest decision of the day. Should I take organic or normal onions? Red or white – the sheer range of onions in the supermarket killed meto. Anyways, lost in my massive trouble, I picked up without looking at the screen.
It was cheese guy. Shit. I had the weirdest conversation in my whole life. While moving from the veggie section to cheese, to meat and chocolate I did not have the heart to cut him off…
What follows is a short summary of five facts that every guy should burrow deep in his cellar alongside the cemented corpses:
- “I am a nervous binge eater and burper. If I am nervous – as in right now – soft crunch and munch noises in the background –I just can’t stop. In and out it goes.”
- “I am a hopeless single. I have not had any women in my flat in the past six years. But it is okay. Because I needed to find myself, before I am ready for a relationship with a woman like you” *insert 5 second break for thoughtful silence – during which it was my turn to speak but zoned out during part a) still thinking about binge burping*
- “I think I am ready now. Especially as you are obviously a healthy, female being (honestly this is a DIRECT quote, oh yes Chris, last time I checked I was a female, belonging to a species called human that are known for their compassion). I read that if two people want to have perfect babies together, they should clean their bodies and minds. Most important, they have to stay clean six months before intercourse. I take you have always been living the green life your entire life time. (and I fart rosebuds) For me the six months are over with the end of December…. (WAS THAT AN OFFER TO HAVE A BABY WITH ME?!)” I was stunned into silence.. but don’t worry. Chris always finds the right words because
- “So this was destiny. I even talked to my Guru yesterday. He sent us his spiritual, consensual vibes and says he can feel your blue, captivating aura. It really blends well with my yellow.” (a GURU, AURA?!, CONSENSUAL VIBES) Honestly I was so gobsmacked and hooked at the same time.. As if this was a bad joke and a random guy will soon come up to me to tell me about that funny prank, that they played on me…
- “You know during my one-week flirt seminar in June last year (Waaaaaait what?! One-week flirt SEMINAR?), our coach told us to embrace our true selves. (Chris, just for the future: don’t embrace you true self, just DO NOT) As soon as that happens, we are going to attract the type of woman we deserve to be with. Sophie. I deserve you. I deserve to be with you!”
No words. I am sorry. But WHAT?! I hang up. I needed E.’s advice and three Gin Tonics to recover from that shocking revelation.
Nine missed calls within 2 hours minutes.
2 hour later:
Chris I wish you all the best, but currently I am not looking for a partner. I am travelling very much and I am not sure where I will spend the rest of my year. I am certain you will find your way! All the best for your future. Sophie.
Very diplomatic. VERY diplomatic – that was what E. and I created after the shockingly necessary emergency brunch that day.
A minute later:
Chris The Cheese
Don’t say that! Give me one coffee, to prove it! I told my friends about this stunning girl, that chatted me up! Our romance cannot be over before it began properly! Xx C.
Needless to say – I did not reply!
Chris The Cheese
I will wait for you. I did not ask you to wait for me…
No matter how long it will take. AGES! Cause I never said I would take you
My body will be ready for you. Mine certainly won’t
I will wait for you. HONESTLY
No matter how long it will take. He does not get it
My mind will be ready for you. I think that mind of his needs a reset…
I will wait for you. He will become old waiting for me…
No matter how long it will take. AGES? CENTURIES!
Be mine, little girl, be mine. NEVER
Happy New Year!
- January 2018
Chris The Cheese:
Sophie, you are the woman of my dreams. You are the guy of my nightmares
My sweet Home (Alabama – haha) bad jokes seriously?
The romance of my life. hmmmm
The carrot to my donkey. Why am I the carrot?
Call me xxxx Chris
2 April 2018
Chris The Cheese
Sophie, my darling. Nick names?!
I have thought about you so vividly. vividly… Don’t tell me which part you..
You are wild. I am irrepressible. Like.. REALLY?!
I had a dream about you, with tentacles. Tentacles I’ll call the psychiatrist
I need to feel you. Please no!
I need to embrace you. Hell no!
I have this urge… Don’t tell me you want to embrace me
with your tentacles!
It may sound strange but I want you. Insert desperate tears
Love, Peace, and I. Cool He wishes me love, peace, and himself… okay… pressing 999
Ähm. No Chris. Just plain and simple NO THANK YOU!
Needless to say, that I will never go back and buy cheese from that lady again. And I changed my number. What crazy stories do you guys have?